You know that emptiness inside you that you cannot define? Like there’s a hole in your chest and you’ve exhausted all options to fill that in but still the gap remains? Have you ever experienced that longing, that feeling like there is something missing in your life but you just don’t know what or who is it? That is what she is feeling right now. She doesn’t want that feeling to linger inside her. That same feeling that makes her emotional and vulnerable and helpless.
She always assume a confident and independent aura which people believed that she is. They see her as someone who is happy, contented, confident, and successful. What they don’t see is the insecure and naive and tiny little girl inside her who just want to crawl and disappear. She is so tired of pretending she’s strong. She just wanted to shout to the whole world, “Hey! I am not as strong and confident and happy as you see and think I am. I have a crack too. And I am at the point of almost breaking and falling apart.” She just wanted to be that simple, happy, and carefree girl that she always want to be. Someone who does not live according to others’ expectations. Someone who just don’t care. But she know she can’t. The society has this stigma on judging people’s lives based on their achievements and/or failures.
She always wanted to be an Artist or a Writer. And nature is her place of refuge. She loves watching sunsets by the beach. She always wanted to be in the beach and watched the waves crashed against the shore or lay on the grass gazing at the stars at night. She wanted to paint pictures of nature’s landscapes or take pictures of the majestic creations of God. Or write something about all those nature tripping that she would love to take. But you see, she is not that kind of girl. She is the over-achiever, success-driven, independent “career woman” that she is. And she felt so frustrated because she knows that she has so little chance of doing what she really love. And right now, she just wanted to disappear, to leave everything behind especially the identity that she currently has and exist as someone else. She wants to do that thing they have in movies where the heroine would just disappear, totally out of radar and eventually, will be found in the wilds of Africa or in the middle of the Amazon, living with the natives, not mindful of how difficult and different their way of living, and just having the best time of her life. She wished she could do that – to totally disappear and take a different life. But she knew she can’t. All these are just wishful thinking. That is why she felt so frustratingly sad.
And there’s that emptiness again. She sometimes thought disappearing is the best and only escape. She just want to perish – to evaporate. Maybe she wanted an escape. Maybe she just doesn’t want to face the idea that no matter how much she wanted to convince herself that she is happy, she knew deep inside that she is not. Maybe she doesn’t want to confront these issues that she has kept within herself. Maybe she is too tired to pretend and act in this stage play of her life. She wanted to live, not act as if she is having a life. For her, life is supposed to be happy and enjoyable. But her life isn’t. Her life is full of pretensions. And honestly, it is full of crap. She wanted to throw it away and start a new life. A life based on what she really wanted to do.
That day, like all those other days, the desire to escape is swelling deep inside her. But for now, she cannot disappear. She can’t and she doesn’t know how to. So she decide to take that frustrating lap, walking and just walking without any particular destination. Her mind is fully occupied by lots of problems and issues. And at that moment, all she needed was to escape, even for just a minute. Walking clears her mind. It set her brain in its proper function, making her able to think and act as she was expected to be. She was walking in auto-pilot, crossing streets and turning to different corners and alleys. She knows the place too well to be lost. She has done this a thousand times that she never worries where her feet would take her.
But that particular day was no regular and usual day. She was crossing the street unmindful of the oncoming vehicles. And it’s already too late when she realized that a speeding red Cadillac was about to hit her. And as the speeding car came crashing towards her, all she thought was her life – pictures of her so-called “successful” life came flashing before her eyes in slow-mo. She thought maybe she has thrown a coin in the wrong wishing well. Or maybe she was thinking of another thing when she was making that wish. Yes, she wanted to disappear. But dying is not the method that she would want it to be. She wanted to stop the hands of time, freeze everything, and have the chance for a rewind – a complete rewind of her life. But she can’t. All she ever thought was that she should have decide to be happy with what she has while making efforts of attaining what she really wanted. The should have’s, could have’s and all the what if’s came flashing before her.
And as the car finally hit her, she embraced the fate that seems so fatal. She accepted the reality that she can never run away from her life. What she could have done is embrace it with a thankful heart which she didn’t and now, she couldn’t. She realized that the mere fact that she is breathing moments ago is enough reason to be happy. Milliseconds became so important to her but time is slipping away, her life is slipping away. In fact, it is slipping away faster than sh has imagined. And before darkness totally devour her existence, she searched her heart. Does the emptiness still exist? Does she feel hallow and broken? But she could feel no more. Because the very reason why she felt pain, sorrow, longing, emptiness, and sadness has slipped away from her possession. The life she once had which made her feel all the negative feelings that she kept bottled up inside her is gone. Does she still feel the emptiness? No. She felt no emptiness, no sadness, no pain, no life. She felt nothing at all.
Life is what makes her feel all the pains and sufferings. It is the reason why she exists in the first place. It is the sole reason why she had those deep longings in her heart. But she chose to entertain the pain instead of the joys of living. She whine about being tired to just exist when she can choose not to exist but live. Life is all about choices. It’s all about making wise decisions. Having a life is just a matter of choosing to make the most out of her existence – out of our existence. And she failed to see that.
Sometimes, we only appreciate something when they no longer exist. Sometimes, we only “miss the sun when it starts to snow” as the song goes. People! Our being discontented of the things that we have often backfires. We should learn the art of appreciating what we currently have. Appreciate life but do not settle. Yes, we have dreams, we have plans, we have visions and goals. And sometimes, life takes us to some point where we feel we are too far from achieving these goals and dreams that we have and we became frustrated and unappreciative. Our frustrations and discontentment often take its toll on us and we became bitter, so bitter that we no longer live the life that was given to us. We became so bitter and full of negativities without realizing that we are not living, we are merely existing, only getting by the day, each and every day. We should realize that no matter where life takes us, we should go on living and enjoying the journey and eventually we will get THERE – to that place where all our dreams come true. As they say, we can never predict the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails so that we will reach our destination. Dare to live, don’t just exist!