“I really have a lot of questions in my mind that I wanted to ask you. Why didn’t you try to fight for me? Why did you give up so easily on us? Were all the things that happened between us lies? Did you ever love me? Or was it just me trying to assume that you do? And most importantly, I want to ask you how are you. Are you really doing great after all that has happened to us? Because I am not. I was never OKAY. I am not okay in the sense that I still think of you. I still miss you. I still dream of you. And yeah! I still love you. You may think I am stupid for feeling this way but I think I am more than that. I think I am an idiot.
“Six long months and yet here I am still hoping that we could be okay. I am still hoping that I could still see the spark in your eyes when you look at me. But you know what? The moment I saw you last night, all my hopes perish. You really are fine. I guess you’ve moved on. Good for you. Bad for me!
“I really wonder why everything seemed so easy for you. Maybe what we had is just nothing for you that’s why you were never affected by our break up. Realizing that is just so sad and heartbreaking because I thought, or rather I believe, that you love me, that what we have was real. I may have told you that I am letting you go that night that I broke up with you but believe me, I lied. Because honestly, I never did. I am here, always here all this time, patiently waiting for you. And all this time, I have waited for nothing.
“Do you have any idea how painful it is? I am not doing this to get your sympathy nor to beg you to love me again. You can brag about this to all your friends or to anyone you know. You can tell them that ‘Hey! Here’s this girl who is so madly in love with me and has find it so difficult to get over me.’ Brag about it. The hell I care!! I just want you to hear what I wanted to say.
“How can I unlove you? How can I move on when I’m still in love with you? How?
“I want to blame you for all the pain that I am feeling right now. You made me believe that you love me. You made me believe that there is an US. You made me believe that you will never hurt me. But look at where we are now? Look at what you’ve caused me?
“Maybe as you read this, you may find this to of too much drama. But don’t worry, this will be the last of all the dramas that I’ve put you through. I just want to let you know this: Breaking up with you was never part of my plan. I just came to give your present and at the same prove to myself that you’re not lying. And I was so devastated when I found out that you lied. All the things that you did to me when we were in High School flashed back to my memory. Those times when you would tell me something and I would believe you and later on, I would find out to be lies. I questioned everything that you said to me. I was so consumed by all the pain that’s why I made that decision to break up with you, a decision that I truly regretted. I was even on the verge of telling you that it was meant as a joke. BUT I WAS SO HURT. So I run away from you thinking that you would run after me. But you didn’t.
“For three long months I never heard about you. Three long agonizing months. And out of the blue, you made that call. I was so happy. All my resolve to forget you had been shattered. I was so excited to talk to you but fate intervened and I was a bit busy when you made that call. I tried to put you on hold but you ended the call. You were gone. You disappeared. Evaporated. Perished. What’s really up with you? You made that call yet you dropped it, so unwilling to hold on for just a second. And I was so stupid to take on that bait and hope. Yes. I was hoping that maybe after all that I have done, you still love me. I tried to convince myself that you were just holding back. I was trying to believe that maybe you have issues that you want to resolve with yourself, or that maybe you were not yet ready to confront me. Yes! I gave reasons to myself for your silence. I tried to appease myself and hoped that you will be back. I was willing to wait. I honestly am. But it’s over now.
“Last night, I wanted to hold your hands like I used to. I wanted to hug you like there’s no tomorrow. I wanted to tell you that I will never let go. But you pushed me away. AGAIN. And it hurts so bad. I wish I could just unlove you. I wish that this pain would simply go away. I am not strong enough for all of this. But I guess, I don’t have a choice but to be okay. God loves me and I know that He will not throw stones I couldn’t carry. So don’t worry about me. I will make it through all these.
“As the year ends, I want to leave it all behind. I want to face the new year without any hope of a second chance. That’s why I am writing this. I was supposed to tell you all these last night. I wasn’t even aware that they set us up so we can talk. I thought that was my chance, our chance. I waited for you to initiate. But you never did. You even said that it was so childish. But guess what? Your actions were more childish. You should have acted more maturely. You’ve given me lame excuses just so you can avoid talking to me. I don’t know who you were trying to fool, me or yourself. Are you that coward? Or are you just too proud? Or maybe you were just not brave enough to tell me that there will never be an US. I am a good sport and I will never force myself to someone who doesn’t want me anymore. I just want to clear things between the two of us. But you refused to do so. But I wanted to. I insist that you must know what I feel. So I am doing this, I am pouring out everything into this letter so that I won’t be dragging this as I welcome the new year.
“Getting over you may be a long and hard journey but I know that I’ll get there sometime soon. So don’t pity me. I don’t need it anyway. My heart may be broken now but it won’t be later. I know it will heal soon. Maybe you just moved on ahead of me. But know that I can do this too. I will be able to let you go and move on.
“Thank you for making me believe in love. I may regret how we ended but I will never regret what we had. So again, thank you for everything. And I apologize for all my shortcomings, for all the drama that I have put you through, for all those times that I bug you, for all those times that I am too noisy and loud. I am truly sorry. No one will ever be so emotional around you again. You will never get long messages anymore. Promise, THIS WOULD BE THE LAST.
“I pray for you to have a good life. I know you are a good person. I’ve seen that in you. May you be always be like that. Follow your dreams. You have a very bright future ahead of you so embrace it. God bless you always. I pray that you will find someone that you will truly love, someone that you will be willing to fight for until the end. And most importantly, someone that you’ll give all the love that she truly deserve.
“I really pray that this will be the last ‘drama’ that I will do. I love you. I really do. But I can only do so much. A one-sided relationship will never work. So yeah, I guess this is Farewell. I hope the next time I’ll see you I can already tell myself that I REMEMBER THE BOY BUT I GUESS I DON’T REMEMBER THE FEELINGS ANYMORE.
“Thank you for making me stronger by breaking my heart. God speed.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is an original letter that has been entrusted to me. Although some details are omitted for personal reasons and to keep the identity of the original sender confidential, the entirety of the letter remains the same.
PHOTO CREDIT: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/erikamanurip/1425489/