At some point in our lives, we go through pains of broken heart and broken relationships. In man’s pursuit for love, pain and suffering is inevitable. However, in every pain and suffering one goes through, we can always learn and gain insights that can equip us in moving forward and in trying to love again. These lessons make us stronger in facing life’s struggles and challenges.
I have my fair share of pains, human as I am. However, I am grateful for all the teachings life has given me. I hope that these insights will also inspire everyone to believe that love is just around the bend and that no failure is truly a failure, but are blessings-in-disguise and lessons in life.
1. Never love someone’s possibilities
You are the optimist. You believe that there is goodness in every one. You know that someday, he will change and you will live happily ever after. However, after one year, three years or maybe seven years, he is still the same a**h*le that he is. You get frustrated. You started to fight and little did you know, the relationship started to fail. It is going the drain or sinking in the sand. And where did it leave you? You were left broken, empty, and pained. Why? It is not because the relationship fails. It is not because you end up walking away from each other and living separate lives. The main reason is you hold on to a possibility of him – of him changing into someone you envisioned, someone you wanted him to become. You love some alter ego, unrealistic personality that you expect him to be. Loving is accepting who he is without the thought of transforming him into a perfect guy in a shining armor. Never love someone’s possibilities. You’ll end up hurt, broken, and frustrated.
2. You cannot give what you do not have
An empty well cannot give fresh water. Likewise, a person full of hurt and pain cannot give real love. Hurt and frustration will only lead to distrust and suspicions. That is the reason why, every broken person should properly heal before engaging in another relationship. You can never give love if inside your heart, all you feel is pain. Let yourself heal before you enter into a new relationship. You can never love with all your heart if it is not whole in the first place.
3. You are more than enough but sometimes others can’t see it
After every failed relationship, we often ask ourselves what went wrong or why we weren’t enough for him. I learned that being enough is so subjective. You may be lacking for him but never let that get the best in you. A person who will tell you that you’re not enough or that you’re not who they dreamed of being with is selfish because they only think of their own happiness and contentment. Anyone who told you that you’re not good, you’re not worth it, and you’re not enough for him is someone who is not completely happy with their lives. A happy and contented person will never need anyone to complete them or fulfill any function in their lives because they can survive on their own. Look for someone who wants and not needs you. If he needs you, once that need is not met or if someone is able to supply that need rather than you, he will eventually leave you.
4. Don’t sacrifice your happiness to save a relationship
If the relationship is depriving you the chance to be happy, it is a red flag. It’s time to let go. We all need to be with someone because it amplifies the happiness that we have. Once you are not happy with the relationship, you have to rethink about keeping it. We all make sacrifices when it comes to relationship. However, if it reaches the point that your own happiness is jeopardized, it’s time to re-evaluate.
Likewise, never look for happiness in a relationship. It should start from within you. You must be truly happy being single for you to be happy being in a relationship. Never seek happiness from someone else.
5. Learn when to hold on and when to let go.
Sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. It is like holding on to a piece of rope, the tighter your grip is, the more abraded your hands become. The friction between your hands and the rope will only create wounds or will give you calloused hands. Likewise, staying in a bad relationship will only bring you pain. It will hurt you physically and emotionally, and remember that emotional pain is very difficult to heal. Learn to let go when holding unto it becomes painful. Learn to let go before you find yourself hardened by all the pain. Save yourself and walk away. And if they are hurting you physically, I’m telling you, RUN – do not just walk away but run away from that person.
6. God always closes doors to protect you
Everything comes for a season and happens for a reason. It is God’s way of teaching us, molding us, and shaping us into the person that He wants us to be. We are God’s most precious creation, more valuable than gold, pearl or diamond. He only thinks after our best interests. And oftentimes, He would close some doors to keep us from hurting ourselves. He will not allow us to enter into a relationship, no matter how hard we prayed for it if He knows that it will only hurt us. He closes doors not because He wants to cause pain in our hearts but because He wants to protect us from further danger.
7. Love is NOT blind. It only chooses to ignore.
Oftentimes when someone is in love, one seizes to see the other person’s flaws and negative behavior. The brain chooses to ignore all the red flags because of so much emotion crowding our normal judgment. People become stupid when in love. They tend to do things with a clouded judgment. So the next time you fall in love, do not rush any decisions you make. Think about it a million times because at the end of the day, no matter how madly in love you maybe, you still need to be responsible with your own actions and decisions.
8. Always trust your instincts.
According to Mandy Hale, “Your first instinct is always right.” Therefore always trust your instincts. If your gut-feel is telling you that you cannot trust him, then be cautious. There is nothing wrong with trusting one’s instincts because more often than not, they are always right. It sort of act as God’s Divine intervention, it’s our inner connection to Him that tells us to be careful. We are given free-will to decide for our lives. However, because of God’s gracious love and mercy, He will never allow us to be astray.
9. Do not be hardened by all the heartache
I read a short story on Facebook about a Grandmother showing her grandchild the effects of boiling an egg, carrots, and coffee beans in three different pots, all three subjected to the same amount of boiling temperature. The three objects were likened to a human heart and the boiling water is life’s pain and heartache (or what we know as broken relationships). The egg, after it was subjected to boiling water, remains the same on the outside but was so hard on the inside. It represents those people who are hardened by all the pain that they go through. The carrots, which started as hard, became soft. They are those people that are weakened by all the pain of this life and become unable to stand on their own and be who they once were. However, the coffee beans, after being subjected to intense pain, turned out to be something so different. It has transformed the boiling water in a sweet-smelling brewed coffee. I was transformed and at the same time it changed the adversaries it faces.
In life, be like the coffee beans. I know it is so idealistic but I believe, what is ideal can be made real if we would look into the bigger picture. Do not be hardened by all these heartache because life never ends with a single broken heart. Give yourself a chance to heal and to love again. Turning yourself away from love and hardening your heart will only rob you of the chance to be truly happy, the chance to find true love. However, never be weakened by all these hardships. They are meant to strengthen us, to teach us lessons that we can carry as we continue our pursuit for true love. Being strong and being hard-hearted are too different things. Instead, be like the coffee beans. Be transformed by God’s renewing love. Remember that a failed relationship is an opportunity to know more about the real you, what you really want in a relationship, and who you really want to be with. Learn from it; take everything that you can from that season of your life. And be happy when it ends.
10. A relationship without the intention of marriage is a failing relationship
God is the author of marriage. He designed marriage to be a beautiful union of man and woman, a covenant, a commitment. I am a firm believer that any relationship should be rooted with the intention of marriage. The generation of this world is so into the trial-and-error relationships in the sense that they enter into it without the mindset of marriage and more often than not, this type of relationships fail leaving them pained and bitter. We should always be cautious in the relationships that we establish because it is always a gamble of feelings and intimacy. And once it fails, all that is left are broken pieces of our devastated heart.
11. Getting hurt is all part of loving but know who is worth the pain
Love and pain are cousins. They are related because there is always a risk in loving. We put ourselves out there, risking our feelings and emotions without the assurance of being loved in return. However, we always have the power to choose who is worth all the heartaches. We should always be mindful that there is a chance of unrequited love. There is a chance we will never be loved the same way we love them. So be careful who you open your heart with, who is worth all the pain, and who is willing to go through all the pain with you.
12. There is no perfect relationship
A perfect relationship is non-existent. There never exists a completely happy or prosperous marriage. Along the way, problems and difficulties always occur. We are all imperfect so never look for a perfect relationship for your quest is going to fail. You can always strive for perfection, making every effort to overcome trials and problems along the way but we should never set a standard too high leaving our relationships empty and dying. There is no perfect relationship but in our imperfections we can always aim to be the better version.
Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.– Henry FordSource : www.brainyquote.com
Before I will end this, let me share with you a beautiful prayer posted by Mandy Hale. This prayer has come in handy in every new relationship that I enter, regardless of whether it is friendship or romantic, among others.
Stay in love. Stay in God’s love.
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