No, this is not me giving up. This is me wanting some silence. I want to turn off all the thoughts in my head. I want to forget all the pains inside my heart. I want to just feel nothing nor remember anything nor think of anyone or anything. I just want to be numb from all the troubles that I am going through right now and feel nothing. Yes, amnesia would be such a welcoming treat. It would be such an awesome experience, to be able to forget everything including the hurt, the pain, the failure, the downfall, and be able to start a clean slate. But no, amnesia is not an option.
You have no idea what I am going through. You cannot imagine how desperate I am to escape this situation that I am into. You have no idea how much I wanted to be happy, to be carefree, to be liberated, to do anything I want without thinking about what other people might say.
No, this is not me becoming rebellious. This is just me wanting to experience life without hesitation, without limitation, without apprehension or reluctance. This is me wanting to escape the patterns of my current life and to embrace the randomness of things. To sail on uncertain seas, to travel on roads not taken, to go on an adventure towards the unknown with the knowledge that death is part of the journey and those that won’t bring death to me will only strengthen me. I wanted to fail, to fall, to be on my knees and feel hurt so that I will find the courage to stand up and continue the journey.
I hate the predictable. I want to embrace the unknown. I despised the patterns and elaborate plans. I want to take random trips to the abyss of failure. The sense of security makes me want to throw up. It makes me nauseous despite the fact that I have only stayed on the sidewalks all my life. I have watched my life pass me by. I have not taken anything on the speedy highway where accidents and failures might happen. I stayed on the comforts of the sidewalk and still I end up feeling such a failure. I wish I have taken those risks, dived into the unknown, failed and embrace falling apart.
No, this is not me becoming weak. This is me embracing the reality, the truth that none of us is invincible, me included. That I have weaknesses too, I am flawed, I am imperfect. This is me wanting to leave the perception of other people, to live in a place where no one knows me and no one expects highly of me. I want to be released from all the pressures and assumptions. I am who I am and I am not as successful as you think I am. I did some wrong turns and miscalculated decisions and now I end up being just a plain Jane instead of a well-seasoned, successful Oprah. I am nobody and please, don’t rub that on me. I am beginning to dislike myself, these insecurities growing inside me, eating my whole being alive. I wish I could care less. However, I am not wired that way. I always pay attention to other people’s thoughts about me. I am always that little girl who wishes to please everyone in the hope that they will like me. But honestly, I am so tired of pleasing all of you. I am so weary of catering to all your expectations.
This is me saying that this is all you get out of me, and yes, I am giving you some issues to talk about. This is me telling you that this is all I can offer and I am no longer in the business of pleasing anyone. Starting at this very moment, I will make stupid, miscalculated decisions. Who knows, I might get a tattoo one of these days, a random decision, made out of the blue by someone who used to live according to a pre-planned life. Because honestly, this pre-planned life is such a boring life. I have regretted living inside the box, along the sidewalks, and inside the confines of my shell. Today, I resolve to experience every bit of stupid mistake just so I can say that I am alive and living the life that I deserve. This is me saying THIS IS LIFE.
Never fear the unknown. If the unknown will cause you to stay in the sidewalk then you’re making the worst decision of not embracing the uncertainty and chaos.