It’s been a while since I last posted for the #30daysbloggingchallenge. In fact, it has been more than a year since my last post. It’s not that I am busy. I think it is a personal choice. The 15th topic is very daunting. Also, I would say, a year ago, I was very different. Year 2016 was such a very challenging year for me. I have to make a lot of changes with my lifestyle since moving back to the Philippines after two years of staying in Canada. I was struggling on a lot of things, one of which is finding a new job. My finances are not that stable and life is a bit hard.
Aside from that, the topic itself is what I am avoiding. I guess not having the closure that I hoped I would get from my last relationship was difficult for me. It was something that I never imagined. It was something that I never dreamed of in my relationship. Being the perfectionist that I am, not having a closure is a prick in my bubble, sending my world and high expectations crashing to the ground. It’s like opening Pandora’s box and not knowing what disaster might strike me, what goblins and mystical “feelings” might come out, and most especially, what wounds and hurts might be opened up again. It was like poking through an almost-healed wound, seeing the cut open up, and feeling the pain all over again. That is why I decided not to post this last year. I feel I am not ready yet to expose myself for the world to judge.
However, part of me wanted to do this. Part of me wanted to prove to my inner skeptical self that being able to do this is something that I need to do for myself. This is the ultimate test, the grand finale of this moving on charade. After a year of moving on and finding healing, I have grown to be a better person. Through the grace of God, I learn to accept that not having a closure is my version of a perfect closure. I have come into terms with my own heart and made it a point to let my brain rule my every decision again. Let’s just say that my heart has its shot on the decision-making of my life and it failed. Hahaha! My poor heart who has gotten itself broken was blamed for the pain it has gone through.
Looking back at it now, still I couldn’t construct a perfect narration of what could have been our closing and parting conversation. Being an introvert that I am, I would have lost all my words and would never be able to say a thing to him. I am always poor at face-to-face conversations. My heart would race and my mind would go overdrive with 200% processing yet my verbal skills is shut down. Therefore, allow me instead to rephrase the question to read: “What would you say to the person you feel like you never had closure with?”(I copied the question used by Mandy Hale in her Day 15 post.)
So, what would I say to him? I guess I would ask him a lot of questions. I think if I would have been given a chance for a face-to-face closure, I would have been very devastated. Maybe it is God’s way of saving me from more pain and bitterness. Because deep inside me, I really wanted to ask him if he really loved me. And his answer would surely break me. But so much for the fuss, here is what I wanted to say:
“During all those times that we’re together, do you really love me? Was there been an US or was it just “you” and “me”? Is the relationship that we had entered into, just for convenience? Because I feel like I was just a trophy girlfriend, a proof that you can do better, that by choosing me, you can prove to the world that you can make a better decision too. In all that you told me, which of those things are the truth? and where does all the lies start? Was there been someone else while our relationship has been shaky and starting to crumble to the ground? I am not worth fighting for? What was the real reason why you have to leave me? And why are you so scared to tell me face-to-face that it’s over?
“I hope you will eventually find someone who will love you for the rest of your life. I hope you will be able to have the complete family that you deserve. I hope you will use this second chance that God has given you to be better.”
Part of me still wanted to say it to him personally but I was never given a chance to do so. As I am writing these questions [as I was writing this last year], I feel a little braver and more ready to face the world again. Because for me, having the courage to ask is the first step on being able to face the ghosts that are hiding in my closet. There is always a risk in asking because there are answers that are too painful to accept and too difficult to believe. There are answers that are way too different that what I hoped to hear. But sometimes, there are questions that don’t need to be answered at all. There are questions that need to be asked just so we can release ourselves from the confusion that we are feeling at the moment. And lastly, there are questions that seemed to be addressed to him but in reality, are meant for me.
Those questions are left hanging in thin air. I never expected nor hoped for another chance to speak to him. For me everything’s under the bridge now. And saying those things will never change the reality that not having a closure is the only closure that I could get. I can never be able to go back in time to that moment of pain and confusion. And if I can, I will never want want to. I will choose not to. Because all those things, all those pains have molded me and shaped me into who I am now. As what Susan J. Elliot said, and I quote:
“You don’t need answers or explanations to find closure. No matter what the loss, the closure comes from inside you.”
– Susan J. Elliott
I am moving forward with the hope that one day, someday, in the future stories that God would write for, I will find the courage to say what I wanted to say and I will have the privilege to have the closure that I never get today.
Stay in love. Stay in God’s love! ❤